Blog 8: Therapy on lose screws, YT challenge, music slowly progressing. ​

It all started a week before writing this blog. I was in a session with my psychologist. It went well I thought. Until she said: “Jordi, how many times have you been outside this week?” I replied: “about three times.” “Ok, how do you feel about that?” “Uh, well… It should be more in my opinion.”

“Right, you see Jordi, there hasn’t been too much happening the last few weeks. You keep telling me you’re tired, irritated and feeling numb. If you don’t put more effort in your recovery, we can continue to talk for ten years but that won’t change a thing. You know what you should do. Yet, it doesn’t seem you can put your mind towards it because you’re allowing the negativity in your brain to take control.” What do you need to start working harder?” “I don’t know honestly.” “Ok, then I tell you now. You have to go outside each day, call your dad and keep working on the things you do. If you don’t, we might have to try a different approach”  

Yeah… That was a shocker. I’ve never heard her talk like that. It genuinely annoyed me. Now, it’s true that since the current situation I became more inactive indeed. But why say something now? By the way she reacted, it seemed to me like this wasn’t the first time she thought there was little to no progression.

Fast forward, talked to her last Thursday and yes, I went outside everyday, did groceries and called my dad. She complimented me for this. Which I appreciated. Still… My heart got shattered by her words: “Good! Well done. These are nice steps in the right direction. We were really doubting if we could get you out of this. Because so little happened up until this point. These steps give a glimpse of hope again.”

What?! Do you mean I never showed any progression at all during the treatment? I don’t want this to end yet. Finally found someone who understands the complexity of my brain and the thoughts that go with that. And now, even though I did everything you asked, you still give me the feeling of disappointment and doubt? I was confused, mad and sad. The day after I cried and cried. Because, all I could think was: “Why?”

Next week I’ll get an evaluation so let’s see what that brings to light. In the meantime, I’ll do everything I can to prove I’m serious about recovery. I’ll ask her why the change of attitude was there. And also, if she feels like there was never enough progress.