Blog 6: Getting a little better, going outside, second music video a reality!
Oh yes! March is here. Last month a lot happened. Some good stuff, some bad stuff, and a new music video is out. That’s what we are going to discuss in this one.
Getting a little better:
Let me start of by saying I’m not as depressed as I was at first. Probably because I get better at not paying attention to negative thoughts all the time. That said, I still do not find joy in a lot things I do. And honestly, I don’t know if I can expect it that fast. Not when I’ve struggled with depression for so long.
What goes well is talking about my feelings. At least, with people I trust. While I don’t want to live in the house I do now, I’m starting to learn to ask people to go outside with me each day. And if that’s not possible at least every other day. Yes, In the end I need to do it on my own but I can’t yet. Why? Anxiety is too high. I’ll talk about it in a later paragraph.
Talking with my psychologist goes well mostly. Seriously I think that person is very clever. Because, despite sometimes saying things I’d rather not hear, they are true. And I guess for me to be taken serious is a huge part of the therapy.
What I really find amazing is that every time I leave the session, I’ve learned something new. Plus, my psychologist almost always is able to make me smile at least once.
The bad stuff:
Two caretakers that I had a really good bound with left last month. It sucks. Mainly because, they literally saved my life. Let me explain. Back in October last year there was a day where I was doing really bad. I stood in the hallway and said: “Please, do not let me go outside now. I can’t promise I’ll be here in a few hours if you do”. What she did is exactly what was required. She answered: “Well, Jordi thank you for being honest. I’m sorry you feel that way. Let’s take a drive and we’ll talk about it”.
After a few minutes she said: “Jordi I see the emptiness in your eyes. “You do?” “Yes, I also recognize you’re in a lot of pain. Which isn’t weird considering what you’re going through. I or any caretaker here can’t help you. What you need is therapy. You’re going to call your doctor tomorrow. If you don’t, I will. At this rate you’re not going to make it.”
The other caretaker, her husband also helped a lot. I’ve had a lot of conversations with him about my feelings, the struggle with my parents, and my desire to live as independent as possible. For me it was a complete surprise. He understood completely and said: “Jordi, I don’t know if you know, but.. There are a lot of things you can still learn. We just have to see and find where these boundaries lay. If you are willing to explore, I help where I can.
Lastly, both of them also helped me get some self value back. “Look, people call you difficult because you are a person that has a strong own will. You know what you want and don’t want. Also, people judge you because you don’t fit the image of the other people living here. You know what’s funny? That in itself isn’t a problem. All that has to happen is explaining you and everyone else here is their own person. As soon as that happens a lot of issues will disappear.
I could go on for days. Long story short, they where understanding my issues on a deep level and took me serous and respected me. Finally I got a glimpse of what care and love felt like on a deeper scale.
Wont go into too much detail as to why they left. What I will say is that it isn’t right in my eyes. It wasn’t their decision. All parents that are in charge of the organization decided they had to leave because of a “different vision”. If you ask me, it’s a dumb, heartless, and selfish move to pull.
Now, it’s a mess. New people have to apply for caretaking, there’s no supervisor, etc… That they left is one thing, but.. All the parents don’t seem to learn from the mistakes they make. If this continues, I fear the whole project could collapse. Despite them leaving, I’ll remain in contact with them. We’ve grown too close not to. Well… That’s enough for now I guess.
Starting to go outside, doing groceries etc...
At the start of this blog I already touched on it a little. I’m starting to go outside and doing groceries.
The reason why I’m doing it with a caretaker at the moment because I don’t dare to go outside alone. The reason? As a child, I never learned to go outside on my own. Neither did anyone ever notice the anxiety I have for it. Since I want to live on my own with care, that’s a fear I have to overcome. So here’s how it works:
The caretakers do groceries for the house almost daily. So, my psychologist said: “Go with them. Pick two or three things you are going to get on your own. If you can’t reach it you’re going to have to ask someone to get it for you”. Why is asking so hard? Well, for me it feels like I have to enter a burning house in order to ask someone that question. No joke, when I do ask someone for help, I literally sweat so much I could take a shower after each time I would ask for help hahaha.
Going outside is something similar. When I’m fifty meters removed from my room on my own I start to get anxious. Why? I can’t shake the feeling of people looking at me. I’m afraid of people asking me questions and then being so shy I can’t speak. Or, not knowing the answer to the question that person asks.
How it got this way? Well… My psychologist says this: “If you’ve never learned how to go outside on your own, do groceries, communicate with others, how can you do these things then? If you’ve been taught people look at you because you are disabled, it isn’t weird you show this behavior”.
For the past month I’ve been going outside and doing groceries with caretakers. Trust me, whenever they get the change to make me get things I can’t get myself they will hahaha. And guess what? They enjoy it too! All good though, it’s good to make jokes about these things sometimes.
Funny story: I was driving outside with a caretaker. I said: “Here, I got a verse to show you I made a draft of on my phone”. I press play she hears the verse and says: “That’s dope”! A man walked past us and she goes: “He made that he’s the one that made that verse.”. “Really? cool!” I was like: “dam.. Now I have to say something to this person.. Fuck, I’m I blushing…. Uh… Thank you sir. All she did was laugh in my face and said: “Hahaha I did that on purpose. If your psychologist says you need practice, I’ll happily help a bit”. I looked at her and said: “Well. While I hate your for doing it, I guess it was good in some way”. After we both laughed and continued our walk.
I suspect that in the next few months I have to try these things on my own. Curious to see how that goes. Small steps are good. That way, I can learn at a pace I comfortable with. The road is long. They say better late than never right?
Second music video is a reality:
The last month I also filmed the second music video for my Youtube channel. Shit wasn’t easy. We filmed a lot outside and from time to time, people waited while I was rapping verses of the track. They didn’t want to end up in the shot. If there’s one moment where I get shy it’s when rapping outside when I notice people watching.
It took about five hours to shoot the whole thing. It was worth it though. If interested, you can check it out below:
Outro:
The man take away is that, I have to learn to accept that I have to learn certain things at a later age, actively work towards my goals, and most importantly, I need to make sure I do not get caught in all the drama surrounding my current living situation.
Thanks for reading!
BT
Wow, well done! The movie looks fantastic! Way to go! Proud!
And go on writing your blog! Good way to get your feelings out! Good work Jordi!🤛💪