Blog 5: Therapy works, still sad, and music stacking
Dam… It’s February already eh? In this blog we’re talking about how my therapy is going, how I feel because of it, and how the music is going.
Therapy works:
I never thought I would say this but… Therapy turns out the be a blessing! Now, if you ask me: “Why do you think it works for you?” I would answer: “Because this therapist doesn’t always act like one”. What that means is, sometimes she just talks as if we’ve met at a bar and we are just having a conversation.
Till now, every time I went there for a session I felt better than before I went. In my mind, that’s a plus.
Won’t go into too much detail about what the sessions look like. Just know, it’s basically helping me cope with the current situation, getting stronger, and overcoming the fear of going outside. That last thing is a big issue. Because, if you’re afraid of the outside, how are you going to take care of yourself? Yeah, when I’m in front of the mic I “seem” confident and all. In the outside world, I’m super anxious. There… I said it.
Still sad:
Despite therapy working, most days still remain a struggle. Most of the time I’m just numb. As in, I feel nothing and there’s only emptiness. It’s not like I can’t function at all, there’s simply no pace in what I do and concentration levels vary. And joy? Honestly, I don’t even remember the feeling of it. Because, it’s been absent for a very long time.
What I described here are days where it kind of works. There are also days where I don’t even want to get out of bed at all. Then, I literally have to tell myself to get out of bed if I want to ever recover.
Once up, I just stare at my screen and don’t lift one finger. Maybe listen to music, rap along with verses I like, and perhaps answer a couple E-mails.
For the rest, I just don’t want anything to do with anyone. And, even if I wanted to I can’t. Because, I’m stuck in this black hole with nothing detached from reality. And when someone speaks to me then, it takes a lot of energy to even say one word.
Point is, I live with seven other people and sometimes their parents, friends, or family visit them. Then there are a lot of people in the room. Automatically, I shut off it’s way too much sound. And, I often just want to cry then. Partially because I’m not happy and seeing people happy makes me mad and sad. Because, I would wish I knew what happiness feels like.
Music Stacking:
Musically, this is the best stuff I’ve made by far. Not because It’s mostly dark, but because the substance of the tracks really shine through. There’s enough material to write about. Honestly, this whole situation creates the album.
Parents keep feeding me ammo, people call me things or, just don’t understand my mind. All that stuff is put into tracks all the time. No, not every track I make will be released. Some things sound too much like other tracks I made. So, in the end I’ve got to pick which track highlights a certain situation the best.
I don't quit now...
Thanks for reading. Hehehe.. Not the brightest blog huh? Oh well… All I know is, I’m the person that has to be happy with his life no one else! That means that negativity needs to go regardless who it’s from. Until March everyone!
Peace,
BT