Blog 4: Therapy, concentration issues, sad vibes

I first had a screening on the phone. If you know me, you know I hate phone calls. But.. I prepared everything and I was able to tell the person on the phone the issues I had. After, she asked: “Is it ok that if your insurance doesn’t cover it completely that you have to cover a percentage yourself?” I replied: “Yes I guess so. Though, I can’t say because I’m under guardianship. That means officially speaking I can’t decide.” She said: “I assume it’s going to be fine. If not, I’ll call back” That was that.

A week or so later I had the intake. Told her my story and she sounded like she listened and acted like she could help. And sure enough, she said: “Yeah, I think I’ll be able to help. That is, if you feel comfortable with me too?” So, I replied with “yes” and went home.

A couple days pass and I get a phone call from “unknown caller” I kind of felt a weird feeling in my stomach and picked up the phone. It was the psychologist I spoke with. Together with the person that overlooks the treatment.

Long story short, she said: “Jordi I’m very sorry but we cannot start your treatment. Rage started to build inside. Because, I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say. And… I was right. She said: “Because you are under guardianship, it could be that if your condition gets worse during or after your treatment, your guardians aka your parents could sue us. We don’t want to take that risk.” I almost started to break down and just scream and cry.

Firstly, because it demonstrated exactly why guardianship hinders my abilities to grow and take care of my own. And also because, at that moment I literally felt hopeless. Because, I wanted to kill myself that week and this was my last effort to not do it.

I was able to just stay silent and just say nothing. After a bit she asked: “do you understand?” I replied: “Yes. I can’t blame you. But what do I do?” She said: “Well.. Go back to your doctor and start the cycle over. And, how does it make you feel?” I said: “What do you think? I’m on the brink of giving up and my treatment is declined. So, I feel sad and defeated.” After, I just greeted and hung up  the phone. Screaming just banging my head against the desk. After all, what now?

Five minutes later the phone rang again. “unknown caller” I calmed myself and picked up the phone. “Hi Jordi, It’s me again. We feel like we’re leaving you in the dust. And uh.. Leaving it like this doesn’t feel right.” I couldn’t help to reply with: “You don’t only feel that way, that’s what you’re doing”

Hehehehe. She didn’t reply to that smart. She said: “Look, if your parents come here and approve the treatment you can be treated. She asked: “Can you even get that done? I mean, I heard from the psychologist that you don’t talk to them often. I replied with: “Thank you so much!! Don’t worry, I’ll get it done.” Which leads us to today.

I’m certain that the psychologist put in a good word for me. Because, when I met her last Thursday, she said: “I understood you perfectly and since you feel accepted here, I wanted to do everything in my power to make the treatment go through.”

It shows that if you sound convincing enough, people will do whatever the can to help. And honestly, I respect what she did a lot. Cause uh.. The situation isn’t easy.

Now, I’ll try to become a better human through these sessions and above all, get the strength and courage back to keep fighting.