Blog 3: Writing, recording, depression
Today marks the third blog. Funny thing is I turned 25 today. Didn’t do anything big this year. I rarely do. But, this year I’m not in the mood to celebrate. The title kind of gave away why I know. I’ll explain in more detail throughout this blog.
The turning point
Different view of my abilities and growth:
As I stated in my previous blog I’m looking for a new place to live and sadly I’m in a situation where I’m dependent on people to help me finding a new place. Luckily I have someone in my circle who’s willing to help with that. So that’s nice.
Since my parents are also my guardians at the moment, it would be nice if they would support the fact that I want to expand my abilities and move towards new heights. However, when I stopped being the person they want to see and started to question the way things are it feels like they simply let my swim and say: “Right, you want to be a big boy? Go ahead but we aren’t here.”
Take this with a grain of salt, because this is my side of the story I’m telling. I’m sure my parents did and do everything with the best intentions. It’s just not matching and it probably never will. That’s ok. Look, I don’t feel respected, accepted, or understood and that causes anger and sadness to take control.
Reality check:
I recently spoke with the head of the house I live in now. Together with his wife. This happened after returning from a wheelchair hockey competition and we had dinner together. They listened but were honest too. And it hit home hard.
“Yeah we understand how you feel, and that you want them to understand and accept your side of the story. But, have you ever thought about that actions speak louder then words?” I didn’t understand fully so, I asked what they meant.
“See, if you believe they misjudge your abilities, then show them what you can do and let your actions prove your point”
That hit home hard. I can’t lie. There’s a lot of truth in that statement. Not just because showing does more then talking. But also, to do that, I need to become stronger and stand above the opinion of someone and, not take it personal. And that, is a challenge.
Stronger? in what way?:
Well. When I’m on the mic a come across confident right? As if, I’m strong and know how to deal with my stuff. Mostly yes, but there are basic skills that I need in order to live a better life.
I suffer from anxiety. Especially when I’m outside. I’m afraid when people look at me, I struggle with simply moving through the village to get groceries, ask help in the stores etc.
Calling is also something I really don’t like. While many find it easier to call because you don’t see the other person, for me it’s vice-versa I rather look a person in the eye. The reason? Then I can see the other person’s expression and I have an idea who I’m talking with.
The last thing I struggle with is having faith in the path I set for myself and not be bothered by what others think of me. Whether that person is close to me or not.
Depression:
All these things combined made that I fell in a depression. It’s because I need to learn and handle many things at once and I can’t do it alone. To give a little perspective, one moment it can be ok while the next, I’m sad, angry, and filled with rage.
Sometimes It’s so bad that I’d rather not wake up at all. Once I realized it was that bad I knew I needed to get help.
Psychologist:
That’s why I turned to a psychologist. I’m hoping, that through that I’ll be able to find myself and stand stronger in my shoes. I plan to address all the issues I mentioned above. This Thursday is my first appointment.
Lack of focus:
These things have a constant effect on my daily life. I can’t focus. Because, all I think about is the issues I don’t have a fix for. And worst of all knowing I’m becoming less attached to my family each day.
This means I have a hard time to work, write, record or produce. That’s something I’m fed up with because I really want to continue working on my goals but it’s hard when I lack focus. Let’s hope that I regain focus and be the best me I can be.
Writing:
As said it’s hard to write most of the time. Cause my mind is congested and busy with other things. When I do have a better day, I take advantage of that and start writing. Songs are actually pretty good. It’s just they are dark most of the time.
That isn’t bad or anything. Not at all. Though, I have to make sure that what I put on the album at least has a form of context and not just the pure venting of my frustrations.
Recording:
Same story. When I feel good and have the energy to record I do it. It’s funny. One day, I wrote a whole track. Is that special? Yeah, for me it is. I rarely write a full track in one day. I felt so lifted by the fact I wrote a song in a day, that I decided to record the full track the next day.
If it was completely finished? I thought so. It was almost complete. The next day only fixed some phrases, and recorded the chorus. Currently I have 3 potential songs for the album. More to follow.
Conclusion:
I’m in a dark place at the moment and I try not to let this depression destroy me from the inside and take my soul. I won once, and I plan to make it 2-0. With these blogs I keep it real no sense in sugarcoating.
Until next time I hope,
BT
